Hello world, I'm back! Been a hard week but even I surprised myself. Last Monday I thought I couldn't do anything at all, that it would take weeks or even months before I could enjoy the usual things again like go to the mall or see bands or something.

Everyone has been a great help. Maan and Tina listened to my woes, then I texted Mikko and Meggy and they immediately planned to see me that afternoon, but since we had church Wednesday night (and Mikko was really really sick), Meg visited me Thursday afternoon with Meri. Then Yen also dropped by. And Lev texted me that if I need someone, I'd just have to tell her. And I was able to talk with AteRon again. Feels good to be surrounded with people I used to hang out with, it sort of normalizes the circulation of everything.

I still miss Kristoffer though. I realized we just have to get used to things again. There are random times when I start thinking how this house was when they were here and I stop myself, because it will only lead downward. I don't know what I'd do without Kate, it's like we're each other's support group. We talk day in and day out and it helps a lot. I tried to go back a few years back, to old feelings of sadness and depression.

And I realized I was not a very sad girl. Far from it, actually. When Ima and Tatang (my grandparents) left for the US, I was devastated, but I can't remember how long it took for me to recover. But I'm thinking it wasn't long since I was only twelve and kids don't think a lot. Then when AteRon and AteRi and their whole family moved to Canada, I got depressed too, but I forgot how long it lasted. After that I could not remember the last time I got totally down. Maybe when I was in UST and I shifted to Nursing, but that wasn't sadness. It was more of anxiety over how things would turn out. I was having doubts about my new course, but I knew with my whole heart that I could never continue with Industrial Design anymore. I had this sense of doom but it was gone when a series of events became my personal confirmation that I made the right decision.

I'm happy most of the time. Last year during Healthcare, I was happy when it rained, which is a big thing considering I was unhappy with that subject. I'm happy when me and my family eat out. I'm happy that Kate is in college and we see each other all the time now--- last schoolyear I would not see her the entire day then when she gets home she's too tired to even change clothes and went straight to sleep. I'm happy when the sun is up and it feels like a new day. I'm happy that my friends are there when I need them, and they still care. I'm happy with our church. So basically, I remind myself of things to be thankful for, making me see things as half-full rather than half-empty.

Last night was the Fete dela Musique and I must admit it's one of the worst so far (at least for me and Kate) especially if Dad did not perform. I'm not speaking in behalf of everyone, but only for Kate and I. We were hesitant to go to the Mall of Asia since it brings back movie days with HunkyPunky, and that was where we had our phones done. We were surprised it was rather okay, but some instances I felt like I was dreaming, seeing the entire place but I was not in it. I knew we were getting better since shoes had become inviting again for Kate and I was checking out bags again ahaha. But a few times there I half-expected Kristoffer to come up and say we've got 3o more minutes before the movie, or to say he's hungry and everything. Sometimes it's one of the downsides of being attentive to detail, especially if it's more on experiences--- we tend to remember every little thing, like how we debated over customer sevice here in the Philippines because he kept insisting it's just the same as in US and stuff. And that was while walking towards Toy Kingdom, passing by BreadTalk (we bloody remember even where we were). And Kate, while we were walking by Toy Kingdom (last night) suddenly stopped and told me she smelled Kristoffer ahahahaha. God we just had to laugh with that because it was so pathetic, but sometimes we're crazy like that. That was a good release though, laughing at how we become obsessive-compulsive with some things.

So yeah we just waited for Dad and everyone else in Figaro while we talked again, and called up HunkyPunky. We were so excited to surprise him or something but we probably woke him up because he wasn't talking much. We just wanted to, I don't know, say hi before he goes off to work. We saw Bitoy and Zann who were also playing that night, and Kakoi said that they weren't at the fete, but maybe we could drop by Eastwood tonight since they were playing there. Many instances last night we got so bored --- the Fete at El Pueblo had so much energy and excitement and people it was hard not to get hyped up too. But the stages last night were far apart, plus the place was huge.

I had a highschool flashback though when I saw Maes! She was my bandmate then, and my Itchiworm --- don't ask cuz I hardly remember, and even why I was her Bear Cuddler. Those were the exact pet names ahaha. She played violin for our band, and I remember that I learned to play Happy Birthday in the violin cuz she taught me. It's always great to find friends you haven't seen in a long time, and it cheered me up.

Anyway. We just waited for Soul Benders and watched a few bands after then headed home. The only ones I enjoyed were of course Soul Benders, Snake Charmer, Tito Joric's jam with Tom Epperson on harmonica, and Tito Joric's other band which performed after the Soul Benders set. On the way home we were in Tito Odie's car and he played Noel Cabangon's new album (he's probably the greatest fan). Kate and I were laughing because the songs were nostalgic, even bordering on depressing, and if we'd heard that a few days ago we would have cried like there's no tomorrow. But the songs were beautiful, so beautifully arranged that we want to get a copy. But right now, nothing still beats Velorium.

I miss myself though, the one when the whole family was here on vacation. I had so much energy, I woke up and felt brighter than the last time, I didn't mind the things which would usually piss me off, I went to bed happy with how the day went and excited for the next, I had so much love for the people around me. It's not that I've changed dramatically, but these days I tend to think a lot. Sort of pausing while the world gets by in a flurry. I have this feeling that things are returning to normal, but it's incomplete. Like something has to happen first before I can completely take control again, before I can feel like I'm LIVING my life, not merely looking at it.

I just had to say those things, because I'm rarely analyzing myself OUT LOUD. I never had reason to do so, cuz all I ever did was go to school, have goodcleanfun with friends, eat/hang out with my family, talk with Kate, etc. I can't keep reasoning out with myself in my own head, manually selecting thoughts to think about just so I'd be okay.

In many many ways I think knowing Kristoffer and him leaving again has brought up numerous realizations. That when I love people, I get so emotionally-attached that it comes to a point that my happiness depends on them. Like I never had a problem with that since I'm always with my family, but take AteRon before. I sort of built my life around talks with her, going to their house and going out with them on weekends that when they left years back, I didn't think I could do anything anymore. And sometimes I tend to do things for other people's happiness because ultimately it makes me happy, until one day I'd realize I had forgotten how to live apart from the happiness they give me. As if I'd become a paralyzed patient depending on a life-support system.

I've also come to terms with the fact that I can deal with changes, EXCEPT when it has to do with people I love. I want my family and friends to stay exactly where they are, especially when sometimes I just have to reach over and touch them, or feel their presence, when everything becomes too hazy and I want to be assured I still have them. I also become extremely disappointed when I think of lost time--- when I shifted to Nursing, I felt so stupid for not thinking of it sooner so I didn't have to go through two years of Fine Arts.

I read my past entries and wished I could go back to writing about dinners out or shopping, but I guess I'm going through a phase when I think about life in general, what's in store for me, if I could live out dreams I've planned, we've planned. But I remind myself I'm still young and I have my whole life ahead of me. It's easy to think about it that way, but when I feel the dragging weight of having to live every single day until I get there, it feels like forever.

But, I still insist that all is well with me. It's not like the hopeless feeling I had last Monday, when I thought I could never recover. I just have to give myself time to get back to the flow of things.

But I desperately want to travel. Anywhere outside this country. I feel like it's the perfect time to see things again outside what I've been used to, to feel that there's lots more out there I don't know about. Being stuck in one place, as well as being left behind, makes me feel suffocated and limited, like this is all there will ever be. I want to go back to that feeling and way of thinking Kate and I developed when we went to HongKong and China, that there's so much out there to be excited about. I need to see other places to put things in perspective.

But as I said earlier, I'm definitely better. Maybe I just have to give it a few more days before I feel like I'm behind the steering wheel again.