Warning: this entry is highly depressing. Read on if you want to know how much of a wreck I am.

I was supposed to write about a lot of things the past week like the Jazz Fest and other stuff, but I've been an emotional wreck the past few days I simply can't manage.

I never expected we would end up like this. We haven't seen each other in thirteen years --- we didn't even know his birthday, we never greeted each other on holidays, we seldom talked on the phone (and if we ever did, I asked lame questions like "how's school?" because it was so awkward). We knew we had a cousin but that was it, and we didn't even bother trying to establish some sort of communication with him. Maybe because we didn't care, maybe because after several years it was just too impersonal, maybe because we felt we didn't know him.

Then all of a sudden we found out they were going here for a vacation. Kate and I were always wondering what he was like, if we're going to get along, if he likes the same things we do. The night they arrived it was okay --- we hugged him when we saw each other and by the end of the night we were already talking and laughing.

But it was when we had that long talk that we actually got to know him, that night we were packing up before we left for the provinces. After thatI felt he could easily tell us things, and we could do the same thing too. We were together almost everyday, we invaded malls and watched movies, we talked at night. He always kissed us goodnight when he was here. Once he texted "So I bid to you goodnight, tonight sleep tight my love..." (from one of the songs he likes, which we now listen to everytime) and Kate and I were happy, even texting him back and everything.

But when he texted the same thing yesterday, when we were already home and he was at the airport waiting to board the plane, Kate and I started bawling. Not crying, the quiet little sobs, but bawling in sadness. We were already terribly sad Sunday morning, then at SAYA that afternoon, he would hug us from time to time and hold our hand. I wanted to hug him the whole time but I was thinking, not yet, we still had time to talk and laugh. We didn't sleep that last night but just reminisced and talked some more, and anyway we'll leave for the airport by 5:30am. When he was brushing his teeth that morning, he came to our room and I don't know, we totally lost it and just cried, hugging him. And from then on, even until now, we're still crying. Even Maan and Tina were surprised when I went to class yesterday, since my eyes were all puffy. They were probably thinking, the perpetually happy Krisel who jokes around all the time and talked a lot cried? I was more of a shoulder to lean on for my friends, so I guess I was that bad. And Tina even wanted to cry too when she saw me, and Maan told me na "mahal na mahal niyo nga pinsan niyo." And I wanted to cry again.

I could write down every little thing he did, but it's like indulging ourselves in our massive depression. I don't remember the last time I cried this hard, and I didn't think emotions could manifest physically, like your heart is literally broken. Many will probably wonder how we could feel so much for a cousin, but everything with him is different bcause we feel as if we're living on borrowed time, and we're trying to fit in everything we missed the past thirteen years into the several weeks he was here.

We were in ym a while ago, and somehow things are better when I'm talking with him. But then it reminds me he's back there, halfway around the world, and I cry again. It's crazy but all I ever did since yesterday was cry. I just remind myself there's nowhere to go but up since this is my rock-bottom loneliness. Everything seems bleak to me, and I can't remember how happy I could be months back, before we really KNEW him. I know we'll get over this but until then, I don't have any idea what I'd do.

Kate and I thought we were emotionally strong since nothing before could break us. I mean even if we did have problems, it wasn't depressing since we always had a corresponding solution. I think Kate and I are private people, more like introverts. We communicate with other people, but not everyone can come too close. It takes much more that a few get-togethers to really get in, to break the surface and become a friend. But when we love people, we really do and we don't hold anything back. It's also sort of giving them power to hurt you, since we're already vulnerable. So the people we love are the ones who can majorly affect us.

And when we say we love you, HunkyPunky, we mean it. So I guess you probably realize how much this hurts --- we just count on talking to you thru instant messaging to get us through each crying episode, these bouts of depression.

I just want to let this out now, since I'm getting depressed again and Kate is in class. I don't know when this will last. Hopefully soon.