photograph each day 30 June 2006
random thoughts on life, leaving, loving, and everything in between
Hello world, I'm back! Been a hard week but even I surprised myself. Last Monday I thought I couldn't do anything at all, that it would take weeks or even months before I could enjoy the usual things again like go to the mall or see bands or something.
Everyone has been a great help. Maan and Tina listened to my woes, then I texted Mikko and Meggy and they immediately planned to see me that afternoon, but since we had church Wednesday night (and Mikko was really really sick), Meg visited me Thursday afternoon with Meri. Then Yen also dropped by. And Lev texted me that if I need someone, I'd just have to tell her. And I was able to talk with AteRon again. Feels good to be surrounded with people I used to hang out with, it sort of normalizes the circulation of everything.
I still miss Kristoffer though. I realized we just have to get used to things again. There are random times when I start thinking how this house was when they were here and I stop myself, because it will only lead downward. I don't know what I'd do without Kate, it's like we're each other's support group. We talk day in and day out and it helps a lot. I tried to go back a few years back, to old feelings of sadness and depression.
And I realized I was not a very sad girl. Far from it, actually. When Ima and Tatang (my grandparents) left for the US, I was devastated, but I can't remember how long it took for me to recover. But I'm thinking it wasn't long since I was only twelve and kids don't think a lot. Then when AteRon and AteRi and their whole family moved to Canada, I got depressed too, but I forgot how long it lasted. After that I could not remember the last time I got totally down. Maybe when I was in UST and I shifted to Nursing, but that wasn't sadness. It was more of anxiety over how things would turn out. I was having doubts about my new course, but I knew with my whole heart that I could never continue with Industrial Design anymore. I had this sense of doom but it was gone when a series of events became my personal confirmation that I made the right decision.
I'm happy most of the time. Last year during Healthcare, I was happy when it rained, which is a big thing considering I was unhappy with that subject. I'm happy when me and my family eat out. I'm happy that Kate is in college and we see each other all the time now--- last schoolyear I would not see her the entire day then when she gets home she's too tired to even change clothes and went straight to sleep. I'm happy when the sun is up and it feels like a new day. I'm happy that my friends are there when I need them, and they still care. I'm happy with our church. So basically, I remind myself of things to be thankful for, making me see things as half-full rather than half-empty.
Last night was the Fete dela Musique and I must admit it's one of the worst so far (at least for me and Kate) especially if Dad did not perform. I'm not speaking in behalf of everyone, but only for Kate and I. We were hesitant to go to the Mall of Asia since it brings back movie days with HunkyPunky, and that was where we had our phones done. We were surprised it was rather okay, but some instances I felt like I was dreaming, seeing the entire place but I was not in it. I knew we were getting better since shoes had become inviting again for Kate and I was checking out bags again ahaha. But a few times there I half-expected Kristoffer to come up and say we've got 3o more minutes before the movie, or to say he's hungry and everything. Sometimes it's one of the downsides of being attentive to detail, especially if it's more on experiences--- we tend to remember every little thing, like how we debated over customer sevice here in the Philippines because he kept insisting it's just the same as in US and stuff. And that was while walking towards Toy Kingdom, passing by BreadTalk (we bloody remember even where we were). And Kate, while we were walking by Toy Kingdom (last night) suddenly stopped and told me she smelled Kristoffer ahahahaha. God we just had to laugh with that because it was so pathetic, but sometimes we're crazy like that. That was a good release though, laughing at how we become obsessive-compulsive with some things.
So yeah we just waited for Dad and everyone else in Figaro while we talked again, and called up HunkyPunky. We were so excited to surprise him or something but we probably woke him up because he wasn't talking much. We just wanted to, I don't know, say hi before he goes off to work. We saw Bitoy and Zann who were also playing that night, and Kakoi said that they weren't at the fete, but maybe we could drop by Eastwood tonight since they were playing there. Many instances last night we got so bored --- the Fete at El Pueblo had so much energy and excitement and people it was hard not to get hyped up too. But the stages last night were far apart, plus the place was huge.
I had a highschool flashback though when I saw Maes! She was my bandmate then, and my Itchiworm --- don't ask cuz I hardly remember, and even why I was her Bear Cuddler. Those were the exact pet names ahaha. She played violin for our band, and I remember that I learned to play Happy Birthday in the violin cuz she taught me. It's always great to find friends you haven't seen in a long time, and it cheered me up.
Anyway. We just waited for Soul Benders and watched a few bands after then headed home. The only ones I enjoyed were of course Soul Benders, Snake Charmer, Tito Joric's jam with Tom Epperson on harmonica, and Tito Joric's other band which performed after the Soul Benders set. On the way home we were in Tito Odie's car and he played Noel Cabangon's new album (he's probably the greatest fan). Kate and I were laughing because the songs were nostalgic, even bordering on depressing, and if we'd heard that a few days ago we would have cried like there's no tomorrow. But the songs were beautiful, so beautifully arranged that we want to get a copy. But right now, nothing still beats Velorium.
I miss myself though, the one when the whole family was here on vacation. I had so much energy, I woke up and felt brighter than the last time, I didn't mind the things which would usually piss me off, I went to bed happy with how the day went and excited for the next, I had so much love for the people around me. It's not that I've changed dramatically, but these days I tend to think a lot. Sort of pausing while the world gets by in a flurry. I have this feeling that things are returning to normal, but it's incomplete. Like something has to happen first before I can completely take control again, before I can feel like I'm LIVING my life, not merely looking at it.
I just had to say those things, because I'm rarely analyzing myself OUT LOUD. I never had reason to do so, cuz all I ever did was go to school, have goodcleanfun with friends, eat/hang out with my family, talk with Kate, etc. I can't keep reasoning out with myself in my own head, manually selecting thoughts to think about just so I'd be okay.
In many many ways I think knowing Kristoffer and him leaving again has brought up numerous realizations. That when I love people, I get so emotionally-attached that it comes to a point that my happiness depends on them. Like I never had a problem with that since I'm always with my family, but take AteRon before. I sort of built my life around talks with her, going to their house and going out with them on weekends that when they left years back, I didn't think I could do anything anymore. And sometimes I tend to do things for other people's happiness because ultimately it makes me happy, until one day I'd realize I had forgotten how to live apart from the happiness they give me. As if I'd become a paralyzed patient depending on a life-support system.
I've also come to terms with the fact that I can deal with changes, EXCEPT when it has to do with people I love. I want my family and friends to stay exactly where they are, especially when sometimes I just have to reach over and touch them, or feel their presence, when everything becomes too hazy and I want to be assured I still have them. I also become extremely disappointed when I think of lost time--- when I shifted to Nursing, I felt so stupid for not thinking of it sooner so I didn't have to go through two years of Fine Arts.
I read my past entries and wished I could go back to writing about dinners out or shopping, but I guess I'm going through a phase when I think about life in general, what's in store for me, if I could live out dreams I've planned, we've planned. But I remind myself I'm still young and I have my whole life ahead of me. It's easy to think about it that way, but when I feel the dragging weight of having to live every single day until I get there, it feels like forever.
But, I still insist that all is well with me. It's not like the hopeless feeling I had last Monday, when I thought I could never recover. I just have to give myself time to get back to the flow of things.
But I desperately want to travel. Anywhere outside this country. I feel like it's the perfect time to see things again outside what I've been used to, to feel that there's lots more out there I don't know about. Being stuck in one place, as well as being left behind, makes me feel suffocated and limited, like this is all there will ever be. I want to go back to that feeling and way of thinking Kate and I developed when we went to HongKong and China, that there's so much out there to be excited about. I need to see other places to put things in perspective.
But as I said earlier, I'm definitely better. Maybe I just have to give it a few more days before I feel like I'm behind the steering wheel again.
Everyone has been a great help. Maan and Tina listened to my woes, then I texted Mikko and Meggy and they immediately planned to see me that afternoon, but since we had church Wednesday night (and Mikko was really really sick), Meg visited me Thursday afternoon with Meri. Then Yen also dropped by. And Lev texted me that if I need someone, I'd just have to tell her. And I was able to talk with AteRon again. Feels good to be surrounded with people I used to hang out with, it sort of normalizes the circulation of everything.
I still miss Kristoffer though. I realized we just have to get used to things again. There are random times when I start thinking how this house was when they were here and I stop myself, because it will only lead downward. I don't know what I'd do without Kate, it's like we're each other's support group. We talk day in and day out and it helps a lot. I tried to go back a few years back, to old feelings of sadness and depression.
And I realized I was not a very sad girl. Far from it, actually. When Ima and Tatang (my grandparents) left for the US, I was devastated, but I can't remember how long it took for me to recover. But I'm thinking it wasn't long since I was only twelve and kids don't think a lot. Then when AteRon and AteRi and their whole family moved to Canada, I got depressed too, but I forgot how long it lasted. After that I could not remember the last time I got totally down. Maybe when I was in UST and I shifted to Nursing, but that wasn't sadness. It was more of anxiety over how things would turn out. I was having doubts about my new course, but I knew with my whole heart that I could never continue with Industrial Design anymore. I had this sense of doom but it was gone when a series of events became my personal confirmation that I made the right decision.
I'm happy most of the time. Last year during Healthcare, I was happy when it rained, which is a big thing considering I was unhappy with that subject. I'm happy when me and my family eat out. I'm happy that Kate is in college and we see each other all the time now--- last schoolyear I would not see her the entire day then when she gets home she's too tired to even change clothes and went straight to sleep. I'm happy when the sun is up and it feels like a new day. I'm happy that my friends are there when I need them, and they still care. I'm happy with our church. So basically, I remind myself of things to be thankful for, making me see things as half-full rather than half-empty.
Last night was the Fete dela Musique and I must admit it's one of the worst so far (at least for me and Kate) especially if Dad did not perform. I'm not speaking in behalf of everyone, but only for Kate and I. We were hesitant to go to the Mall of Asia since it brings back movie days with HunkyPunky, and that was where we had our phones done. We were surprised it was rather okay, but some instances I felt like I was dreaming, seeing the entire place but I was not in it. I knew we were getting better since shoes had become inviting again for Kate and I was checking out bags again ahaha. But a few times there I half-expected Kristoffer to come up and say we've got 3o more minutes before the movie, or to say he's hungry and everything. Sometimes it's one of the downsides of being attentive to detail, especially if it's more on experiences--- we tend to remember every little thing, like how we debated over customer sevice here in the Philippines because he kept insisting it's just the same as in US and stuff. And that was while walking towards Toy Kingdom, passing by BreadTalk (we bloody remember even where we were). And Kate, while we were walking by Toy Kingdom (last night) suddenly stopped and told me she smelled Kristoffer ahahahaha. God we just had to laugh with that because it was so pathetic, but sometimes we're crazy like that. That was a good release though, laughing at how we become obsessive-compulsive with some things.
So yeah we just waited for Dad and everyone else in Figaro while we talked again, and called up HunkyPunky. We were so excited to surprise him or something but we probably woke him up because he wasn't talking much. We just wanted to, I don't know, say hi before he goes off to work. We saw Bitoy and Zann who were also playing that night, and Kakoi said that they weren't at the fete, but maybe we could drop by Eastwood tonight since they were playing there. Many instances last night we got so bored --- the Fete at El Pueblo had so much energy and excitement and people it was hard not to get hyped up too. But the stages last night were far apart, plus the place was huge.
I had a highschool flashback though when I saw Maes! She was my bandmate then, and my Itchiworm --- don't ask cuz I hardly remember, and even why I was her Bear Cuddler. Those were the exact pet names ahaha. She played violin for our band, and I remember that I learned to play Happy Birthday in the violin cuz she taught me. It's always great to find friends you haven't seen in a long time, and it cheered me up.
Anyway. We just waited for Soul Benders and watched a few bands after then headed home. The only ones I enjoyed were of course Soul Benders, Snake Charmer, Tito Joric's jam with Tom Epperson on harmonica, and Tito Joric's other band which performed after the Soul Benders set. On the way home we were in Tito Odie's car and he played Noel Cabangon's new album (he's probably the greatest fan). Kate and I were laughing because the songs were nostalgic, even bordering on depressing, and if we'd heard that a few days ago we would have cried like there's no tomorrow. But the songs were beautiful, so beautifully arranged that we want to get a copy. But right now, nothing still beats Velorium.
I miss myself though, the one when the whole family was here on vacation. I had so much energy, I woke up and felt brighter than the last time, I didn't mind the things which would usually piss me off, I went to bed happy with how the day went and excited for the next, I had so much love for the people around me. It's not that I've changed dramatically, but these days I tend to think a lot. Sort of pausing while the world gets by in a flurry. I have this feeling that things are returning to normal, but it's incomplete. Like something has to happen first before I can completely take control again, before I can feel like I'm LIVING my life, not merely looking at it.
I just had to say those things, because I'm rarely analyzing myself OUT LOUD. I never had reason to do so, cuz all I ever did was go to school, have goodcleanfun with friends, eat/hang out with my family, talk with Kate, etc. I can't keep reasoning out with myself in my own head, manually selecting thoughts to think about just so I'd be okay.
In many many ways I think knowing Kristoffer and him leaving again has brought up numerous realizations. That when I love people, I get so emotionally-attached that it comes to a point that my happiness depends on them. Like I never had a problem with that since I'm always with my family, but take AteRon before. I sort of built my life around talks with her, going to their house and going out with them on weekends that when they left years back, I didn't think I could do anything anymore. And sometimes I tend to do things for other people's happiness because ultimately it makes me happy, until one day I'd realize I had forgotten how to live apart from the happiness they give me. As if I'd become a paralyzed patient depending on a life-support system.
I've also come to terms with the fact that I can deal with changes, EXCEPT when it has to do with people I love. I want my family and friends to stay exactly where they are, especially when sometimes I just have to reach over and touch them, or feel their presence, when everything becomes too hazy and I want to be assured I still have them. I also become extremely disappointed when I think of lost time--- when I shifted to Nursing, I felt so stupid for not thinking of it sooner so I didn't have to go through two years of Fine Arts.
I read my past entries and wished I could go back to writing about dinners out or shopping, but I guess I'm going through a phase when I think about life in general, what's in store for me, if I could live out dreams I've planned, we've planned. But I remind myself I'm still young and I have my whole life ahead of me. It's easy to think about it that way, but when I feel the dragging weight of having to live every single day until I get there, it feels like forever.
But, I still insist that all is well with me. It's not like the hopeless feeling I had last Monday, when I thought I could never recover. I just have to give myself time to get back to the flow of things.
But I desperately want to travel. Anywhere outside this country. I feel like it's the perfect time to see things again outside what I've been used to, to feel that there's lots more out there I don't know about. Being stuck in one place, as well as being left behind, makes me feel suffocated and limited, like this is all there will ever be. I want to go back to that feeling and way of thinking Kate and I developed when we went to HongKong and China, that there's so much out there to be excited about. I need to see other places to put things in perspective.
But as I said earlier, I'm definitely better. Maybe I just have to give it a few more days before I feel like I'm behind the steering wheel again.
28 June 2006
things are looking up
"The secret things belong unto the Lord our God: but those things which are revealed belong to us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the words of this law."
Deuteronomy 29:29
I remember this passage in the Bible from Papa Noel's preaching, and now I realize he has no idea how much this has helped us, Kate and I. I was thinking, maybe the Lord had a purpose when Papa Noel preached this one, mainly to comfort our family. I was praying that the preaching tonight would be directed to us, to somehow ease this sadness.
And guess what, it was about Rest, casting your burdens to God and everything else that weighs you down. And we can't help crying in church, even when Ate Rhoda, Mama Dels and Kim approached us. Kim even said na nakita niya talaga ang bonding namin with Kristoffer, and I wanted to cry na naman.
But we were thinking, we can't keep doing this. I mean why can't we just think of HunkyPunky and be happy and thankful that we got to be with him? I was reading my last post and I would always want to go back and read that, because it reminds me that things will seem better each day.
And instead of saying things like the six weeks he was here was not enough and how we're trying to fit in everything because we missed a lot during that time, we were thinking that maybe we should thank the Lord that He let us be together, even for a short time. I mean what if this vacation did not push through? What if HunkyPunky did not go to the Philippines? We'd still be avoiding phone conversations, and we'll miss the joy of knowing and loving this wonderful wonderful person.
Then we found out this morning that the Fete will push through, and we got terribly sad. And this is the first Fete dela Musique that Dad and his band will play. We've been planning things for HunkyPunky during his stay here, one of them the Fete since it's once a year and it's a great music festival.
Whenever we get unbearably sad, we ask Dad how he felt when he was in college and Papa Noel left for the Navy. It's comforting to know that other people went through the same thing too, others even worse, and they managed to cope.
Now it's as if everything is rearranged. Kate and I sort of had this long-term goal, and part of it was to travel, probably in Europe. We planned to do that before we get married, maybe to enjoy each other's company before we went on with life. Now we want to do it with Kristoffer. So we were talking earlier and we presented this proposal, and he agreed. So we'll have a Eurotrip or something probably in 3 or 4 years. Ahaha it cheers me up now, thinking about it.
We were also trying to figure out what makes us this sad. Maybe it was the fact that 6 weeks just wasn't enough. Maybe it's because Kate and I always do things together and we go out most of the time, just the two of us. Then HunkyPunky comes into the picture, and we jive so well and we've included him in our daily activities that it's hard to forget he was with us. He went with us to school, to 7-11, to Video City, to Mister Kabab, Jollibee, Starbucks, Old Spaghetti House, to STC (yes, he was even able to go to our high school when Kate got her annual), Greenhills, Ice Monster, Mcdo, Shang, Ministop, Mall of Asia, Tagaytay, church, Market Market, etc. OMG if I put in every single place we went to it would be a long long list. So when we do those things again, something feels missing. Like I used to sit in front of the cab because Kate and him were at the back, but now it's simply Kate and me at the backseat. And we used to sing loudly inside taxis and laugh noisily and ask him to dance ahahaha. And maybe because we never had anyone who could understand even the lamest and corniest jokes we made, but he's a fan! Ahaha. We have tons of private jokes that nobody would understand, like the SUSHI SASHIMI!, and the case of the pink jewel stickers, and his pagka-panis, and his cool cool bluetooth ahaha. Truth is, we've really KNOWN HunkyPunky for just a short time, but it feels as if we've been together since we were small.
OMG I realized just now that it pays to talk positively, I feel better. He always asks us how we're doing, and we don't lie to him. We told him that we cried the whole day on Monday, then yesterday we had these unbearable bouts of sadness. Kristoffer is probably waiting for the day he would ask us how we're doing, and we can all laugh about it and just remember how happy we were when he was here.
In the meantime, we'll just have to talk with him often. I want him to know we're always here, he can call or send sms when he needs us. After all, he's the one we count on the most these days, while we're trying to overcome the sadness.
See, HunkyPunky? Mahal ka namin talaga :)
Deuteronomy 29:29
I remember this passage in the Bible from Papa Noel's preaching, and now I realize he has no idea how much this has helped us, Kate and I. I was thinking, maybe the Lord had a purpose when Papa Noel preached this one, mainly to comfort our family. I was praying that the preaching tonight would be directed to us, to somehow ease this sadness.
And guess what, it was about Rest, casting your burdens to God and everything else that weighs you down. And we can't help crying in church, even when Ate Rhoda, Mama Dels and Kim approached us. Kim even said na nakita niya talaga ang bonding namin with Kristoffer, and I wanted to cry na naman.
But we were thinking, we can't keep doing this. I mean why can't we just think of HunkyPunky and be happy and thankful that we got to be with him? I was reading my last post and I would always want to go back and read that, because it reminds me that things will seem better each day.
And instead of saying things like the six weeks he was here was not enough and how we're trying to fit in everything because we missed a lot during that time, we were thinking that maybe we should thank the Lord that He let us be together, even for a short time. I mean what if this vacation did not push through? What if HunkyPunky did not go to the Philippines? We'd still be avoiding phone conversations, and we'll miss the joy of knowing and loving this wonderful wonderful person.
Then we found out this morning that the Fete will push through, and we got terribly sad. And this is the first Fete dela Musique that Dad and his band will play. We've been planning things for HunkyPunky during his stay here, one of them the Fete since it's once a year and it's a great music festival.
Whenever we get unbearably sad, we ask Dad how he felt when he was in college and Papa Noel left for the Navy. It's comforting to know that other people went through the same thing too, others even worse, and they managed to cope.
Now it's as if everything is rearranged. Kate and I sort of had this long-term goal, and part of it was to travel, probably in Europe. We planned to do that before we get married, maybe to enjoy each other's company before we went on with life. Now we want to do it with Kristoffer. So we were talking earlier and we presented this proposal, and he agreed. So we'll have a Eurotrip or something probably in 3 or 4 years. Ahaha it cheers me up now, thinking about it.
We were also trying to figure out what makes us this sad. Maybe it was the fact that 6 weeks just wasn't enough. Maybe it's because Kate and I always do things together and we go out most of the time, just the two of us. Then HunkyPunky comes into the picture, and we jive so well and we've included him in our daily activities that it's hard to forget he was with us. He went with us to school, to 7-11, to Video City, to Mister Kabab, Jollibee, Starbucks, Old Spaghetti House, to STC (yes, he was even able to go to our high school when Kate got her annual), Greenhills, Ice Monster, Mcdo, Shang, Ministop, Mall of Asia, Tagaytay, church, Market Market, etc. OMG if I put in every single place we went to it would be a long long list. So when we do those things again, something feels missing. Like I used to sit in front of the cab because Kate and him were at the back, but now it's simply Kate and me at the backseat. And we used to sing loudly inside taxis and laugh noisily and ask him to dance ahahaha. And maybe because we never had anyone who could understand even the lamest and corniest jokes we made, but he's a fan! Ahaha. We have tons of private jokes that nobody would understand, like the SUSHI SASHIMI!, and the case of the pink jewel stickers, and his pagka-panis, and his cool cool bluetooth ahaha. Truth is, we've really KNOWN HunkyPunky for just a short time, but it feels as if we've been together since we were small.
OMG I realized just now that it pays to talk positively, I feel better. He always asks us how we're doing, and we don't lie to him. We told him that we cried the whole day on Monday, then yesterday we had these unbearable bouts of sadness. Kristoffer is probably waiting for the day he would ask us how we're doing, and we can all laugh about it and just remember how happy we were when he was here.
In the meantime, we'll just have to talk with him often. I want him to know we're always here, he can call or send sms when he needs us. After all, he's the one we count on the most these days, while we're trying to overcome the sadness.
See, HunkyPunky? Mahal ka namin talaga :)
26 June 2006
i miss you kristoffer. i really do
Warning: this entry is highly depressing. Read on if you want to know how much of a wreck I am.
I was supposed to write about a lot of things the past week like the Jazz Fest and other stuff, but I've been an emotional wreck the past few days I simply can't manage.
I never expected we would end up like this. We haven't seen each other in thirteen years --- we didn't even know his birthday, we never greeted each other on holidays, we seldom talked on the phone (and if we ever did, I asked lame questions like "how's school?" because it was so awkward). We knew we had a cousin but that was it, and we didn't even bother trying to establish some sort of communication with him. Maybe because we didn't care, maybe because after several years it was just too impersonal, maybe because we felt we didn't know him.
Then all of a sudden we found out they were going here for a vacation. Kate and I were always wondering what he was like, if we're going to get along, if he likes the same things we do. The night they arrived it was okay --- we hugged him when we saw each other and by the end of the night we were already talking and laughing.
But it was when we had that long talk that we actually got to know him, that night we were packing up before we left for the provinces. After thatI felt he could easily tell us things, and we could do the same thing too. We were together almost everyday, we invaded malls and watched movies, we talked at night. He always kissed us goodnight when he was here. Once he texted "So I bid to you goodnight, tonight sleep tight my love..." (from one of the songs he likes, which we now listen to everytime) and Kate and I were happy, even texting him back and everything.
But when he texted the same thing yesterday, when we were already home and he was at the airport waiting to board the plane, Kate and I started bawling. Not crying, the quiet little sobs, but bawling in sadness. We were already terribly sad Sunday morning, then at SAYA that afternoon, he would hug us from time to time and hold our hand. I wanted to hug him the whole time but I was thinking, not yet, we still had time to talk and laugh. We didn't sleep that last night but just reminisced and talked some more, and anyway we'll leave for the airport by 5:30am. When he was brushing his teeth that morning, he came to our room and I don't know, we totally lost it and just cried, hugging him. And from then on, even until now, we're still crying. Even Maan and Tina were surprised when I went to class yesterday, since my eyes were all puffy. They were probably thinking, the perpetually happy Krisel who jokes around all the time and talked a lot cried? I was more of a shoulder to lean on for my friends, so I guess I was that bad. And Tina even wanted to cry too when she saw me, and Maan told me na "mahal na mahal niyo nga pinsan niyo." And I wanted to cry again.
I could write down every little thing he did, but it's like indulging ourselves in our massive depression. I don't remember the last time I cried this hard, and I didn't think emotions could manifest physically, like your heart is literally broken. Many will probably wonder how we could feel so much for a cousin, but everything with him is different bcause we feel as if we're living on borrowed time, and we're trying to fit in everything we missed the past thirteen years into the several weeks he was here.
We were in ym a while ago, and somehow things are better when I'm talking with him. But then it reminds me he's back there, halfway around the world, and I cry again. It's crazy but all I ever did since yesterday was cry. I just remind myself there's nowhere to go but up since this is my rock-bottom loneliness. Everything seems bleak to me, and I can't remember how happy I could be months back, before we really KNEW him. I know we'll get over this but until then, I don't have any idea what I'd do.
Kate and I thought we were emotionally strong since nothing before could break us. I mean even if we did have problems, it wasn't depressing since we always had a corresponding solution. I think Kate and I are private people, more like introverts. We communicate with other people, but not everyone can come too close. It takes much more that a few get-togethers to really get in, to break the surface and become a friend. But when we love people, we really do and we don't hold anything back. It's also sort of giving them power to hurt you, since we're already vulnerable. So the people we love are the ones who can majorly affect us.
And when we say we love you, HunkyPunky, we mean it. So I guess you probably realize how much this hurts --- we just count on talking to you thru instant messaging to get us through each crying episode, these bouts of depression.
I just want to let this out now, since I'm getting depressed again and Kate is in class. I don't know when this will last. Hopefully soon.
I was supposed to write about a lot of things the past week like the Jazz Fest and other stuff, but I've been an emotional wreck the past few days I simply can't manage.
I never expected we would end up like this. We haven't seen each other in thirteen years --- we didn't even know his birthday, we never greeted each other on holidays, we seldom talked on the phone (and if we ever did, I asked lame questions like "how's school?" because it was so awkward). We knew we had a cousin but that was it, and we didn't even bother trying to establish some sort of communication with him. Maybe because we didn't care, maybe because after several years it was just too impersonal, maybe because we felt we didn't know him.
Then all of a sudden we found out they were going here for a vacation. Kate and I were always wondering what he was like, if we're going to get along, if he likes the same things we do. The night they arrived it was okay --- we hugged him when we saw each other and by the end of the night we were already talking and laughing.
But it was when we had that long talk that we actually got to know him, that night we were packing up before we left for the provinces. After thatI felt he could easily tell us things, and we could do the same thing too. We were together almost everyday, we invaded malls and watched movies, we talked at night. He always kissed us goodnight when he was here. Once he texted "So I bid to you goodnight, tonight sleep tight my love..." (from one of the songs he likes, which we now listen to everytime) and Kate and I were happy, even texting him back and everything.
But when he texted the same thing yesterday, when we were already home and he was at the airport waiting to board the plane, Kate and I started bawling. Not crying, the quiet little sobs, but bawling in sadness. We were already terribly sad Sunday morning, then at SAYA that afternoon, he would hug us from time to time and hold our hand. I wanted to hug him the whole time but I was thinking, not yet, we still had time to talk and laugh. We didn't sleep that last night but just reminisced and talked some more, and anyway we'll leave for the airport by 5:30am. When he was brushing his teeth that morning, he came to our room and I don't know, we totally lost it and just cried, hugging him. And from then on, even until now, we're still crying. Even Maan and Tina were surprised when I went to class yesterday, since my eyes were all puffy. They were probably thinking, the perpetually happy Krisel who jokes around all the time and talked a lot cried? I was more of a shoulder to lean on for my friends, so I guess I was that bad. And Tina even wanted to cry too when she saw me, and Maan told me na "mahal na mahal niyo nga pinsan niyo." And I wanted to cry again.
I could write down every little thing he did, but it's like indulging ourselves in our massive depression. I don't remember the last time I cried this hard, and I didn't think emotions could manifest physically, like your heart is literally broken. Many will probably wonder how we could feel so much for a cousin, but everything with him is different bcause we feel as if we're living on borrowed time, and we're trying to fit in everything we missed the past thirteen years into the several weeks he was here.
We were in ym a while ago, and somehow things are better when I'm talking with him. But then it reminds me he's back there, halfway around the world, and I cry again. It's crazy but all I ever did since yesterday was cry. I just remind myself there's nowhere to go but up since this is my rock-bottom loneliness. Everything seems bleak to me, and I can't remember how happy I could be months back, before we really KNEW him. I know we'll get over this but until then, I don't have any idea what I'd do.
Kate and I thought we were emotionally strong since nothing before could break us. I mean even if we did have problems, it wasn't depressing since we always had a corresponding solution. I think Kate and I are private people, more like introverts. We communicate with other people, but not everyone can come too close. It takes much more that a few get-togethers to really get in, to break the surface and become a friend. But when we love people, we really do and we don't hold anything back. It's also sort of giving them power to hurt you, since we're already vulnerable. So the people we love are the ones who can majorly affect us.
And when we say we love you, HunkyPunky, we mean it. So I guess you probably realize how much this hurts --- we just count on talking to you thru instant messaging to get us through each crying episode, these bouts of depression.
I just want to let this out now, since I'm getting depressed again and Kate is in class. I don't know when this will last. Hopefully soon.
19 June 2006
a father's day post
You'd think that being a Dad at twenty years old would make him less of a father, not even aware of what it's like to raise children. I strongly disagree though, because in a span of twenty years I learned from him and Mommy much more than I could ever learn from anyone.
My Dad is funny in every sense of the word --- jokes, wisecracks, and all the other stuff. I think we got his sense of humour and his love for analysis of everything. He's also a disciplinarian and constantly apprehended us, but he made sure we perfectly understood what it was all about after, that it was utimately for our own good. He would also be (together with Mommy) the family shock absorber, making sure we weren't hit by the steady blows we received years back during those terrible times. He tried to make things seem quite okay even if they weren't so we would not have to worry.
I'm glad I did not went through the extreme teenage rebellion phase. Yes I did some pretty stupid things in the past, but nothing like leaving the house without their permission at midnight, or answering them back, or staying out late without calling. OMG I just realized that I was pretty boring ahaha. Seriously though I'm thankful that Daddy always finds time to talk with us. Talking with your parents help a great deal, and there are considerably less chances of you screwing up. And it makes you realize that they do understand you, and it's a wonderful feeling knowing they're always there to back you up. I mean most kids today claim that their parents DO NOT understand them, but let's think of it this way: do you even bother letting them know what's going on? If they don't know anything in the first place, surely they could never sort it out. AHAHA you can't blame me for talking like this --- after all, I'm someone who tells my Mom everything while she's cooking, and can go straight up to my Dad and loiter around his shop just to watch him work or talk to him (or sometimes be his text messenger or something cause sometimes he can't be bothered to reply to sms immediately ahaha).
Father's Day celebration in our church last Sunday
The Men's Chorale
I'm not saying we're a shiny shimmery perfect family. And my Dad is far from being perfect, but aren't we all? Lord knows we've fought (and MADE UP) far too many times, but making mistakes is definitely worth it. We learn from each other, and even he (Daddy) admits that.
Kate and I have seen him cry, and it was surreal. Children have this habit of building up the image of a superhuman being for their fathers, and we kind of view them as someone indestructible, someone who can do anything. But seeing them cry categorizes them as normal human beings too, susceptible to sadness and pain. And it makes you realize the extent of your love for them, because at that time I wanted to offer him anything, anything at all, to take the pain away. It was one of those trying times where the surface cracks a little, revealing weaknesses within the family. At the same time, it was also when you know you would do anything at all to get through it together.
My Dad is everything I hoped a father would be, and everyday I thank the Lord for giving me a wonderful Dad and a wonderful family. It makes me quite sad when I think of all the heartaches I have caused them before, but I'm a changed person now. I love them too much to even think of screwing up again.
Me Dad Kate :-)
To the one who has brought happiness and love into the family more than we could have ever imagined, to our source of strength and hope, and to the first man Kate and I ever loved (that's a promise Daddy, just go easy on the boys hahaha), Happy Father's Day!
My Dad is funny in every sense of the word --- jokes, wisecracks, and all the other stuff. I think we got his sense of humour and his love for analysis of everything. He's also a disciplinarian and constantly apprehended us, but he made sure we perfectly understood what it was all about after, that it was utimately for our own good. He would also be (together with Mommy) the family shock absorber, making sure we weren't hit by the steady blows we received years back during those terrible times. He tried to make things seem quite okay even if they weren't so we would not have to worry.
I'm glad I did not went through the extreme teenage rebellion phase. Yes I did some pretty stupid things in the past, but nothing like leaving the house without their permission at midnight, or answering them back, or staying out late without calling. OMG I just realized that I was pretty boring ahaha. Seriously though I'm thankful that Daddy always finds time to talk with us. Talking with your parents help a great deal, and there are considerably less chances of you screwing up. And it makes you realize that they do understand you, and it's a wonderful feeling knowing they're always there to back you up. I mean most kids today claim that their parents DO NOT understand them, but let's think of it this way: do you even bother letting them know what's going on? If they don't know anything in the first place, surely they could never sort it out. AHAHA you can't blame me for talking like this --- after all, I'm someone who tells my Mom everything while she's cooking, and can go straight up to my Dad and loiter around his shop just to watch him work or talk to him (or sometimes be his text messenger or something cause sometimes he can't be bothered to reply to sms immediately ahaha).
Father's Day celebration in our church last Sunday
The Men's Chorale
I'm not saying we're a shiny shimmery perfect family. And my Dad is far from being perfect, but aren't we all? Lord knows we've fought (and MADE UP) far too many times, but making mistakes is definitely worth it. We learn from each other, and even he (Daddy) admits that.
Kate and I have seen him cry, and it was surreal. Children have this habit of building up the image of a superhuman being for their fathers, and we kind of view them as someone indestructible, someone who can do anything. But seeing them cry categorizes them as normal human beings too, susceptible to sadness and pain. And it makes you realize the extent of your love for them, because at that time I wanted to offer him anything, anything at all, to take the pain away. It was one of those trying times where the surface cracks a little, revealing weaknesses within the family. At the same time, it was also when you know you would do anything at all to get through it together.
My Dad is everything I hoped a father would be, and everyday I thank the Lord for giving me a wonderful Dad and a wonderful family. It makes me quite sad when I think of all the heartaches I have caused them before, but I'm a changed person now. I love them too much to even think of screwing up again.
Me Dad Kate :-)
To the one who has brought happiness and love into the family more than we could have ever imagined, to our source of strength and hope, and to the first man Kate and I ever loved (that's a promise Daddy, just go easy on the boys hahaha), Happy Father's Day!
17 June 2006
Tagaytay and the birthday shower
Oh yeah before I forget, Tagaytay was so much fun. We found out about it just last Sunday but I've never been there so we decided to go. We had games and ate at the park, then we went to Talisay and if Kuya Aaron had not told me, I wouldn't have known we were already in Batangas.
Most of them took a boat ride to Taal Volcano and went up to the crater or something, but since I KNEW there would be some sort of trekking, I stayed at the lakeside with the others ahaha. I am most definitely not built for Lakbay Kalikasan and such, I mean when I was in senior year highschool I was hyperventilating already and we weren't even halfway up Mt. Banahaw. I remember that and it was an awful feeling, like all I wanted to do was go back to the bus and go home. But anyway I was too terrified of the stories about that mountain to even bother exerting serious energy to go up.
So yeah back to Batangas. Since Kate went with the hiking group, I mingled with the others and had fun talking with them, learned to throw stones and stuff, took pictures of my feet, watched Kuya Aaron take pictures of himself ahaha, pestered Kokiks while he was texting away, ate junk food etc. It was already dark when they got back, then we headed home.
( Tons of pictures here )
Thursday night was the dinner for church friends to celebrate mine and Kate's birthday. It sstarted out just fine but when they were already eating, the rain just started to pour so the waiters rushed the food inside the house, then we rearranged the tables so everyone can fit in the roofed part. The rain was depressing this time because it made everything hard for us and our visitors. I love rain but NOT during parties hello.
huhuhu we even had a gazebo
Me Kristoffer Kate
the food yumyum
church friends
Jo Kate / Kris Imman Ivan
They said it was rather an adventure, but who would want to trudge through the flood and get their things soaked? Anyway I hope it wasn't too much of a hassle for them and at least they made it home safely.
Well last Tuesday we watched The Omen at the Mall of Asia and had our phones done. The booth offers this protective covering or something for mobile phones, digital cameras, palm pilot, iPods etc. Kris and Kate had theirs covered with a semi-transparent design, while I had swarovski crystals placed at the external screen of my pink razr.
Kate's phone / Kris' phone
yay my phone
It's really nice and terribly girly, but I love it anyway ahaha. Years ago I wouldn't have thought of getting a PINK phone in the first place ahaha. Check out GMASK's website for info.
Most of them took a boat ride to Taal Volcano and went up to the crater or something, but since I KNEW there would be some sort of trekking, I stayed at the lakeside with the others ahaha. I am most definitely not built for Lakbay Kalikasan and such, I mean when I was in senior year highschool I was hyperventilating already and we weren't even halfway up Mt. Banahaw. I remember that and it was an awful feeling, like all I wanted to do was go back to the bus and go home. But anyway I was too terrified of the stories about that mountain to even bother exerting serious energy to go up.
So yeah back to Batangas. Since Kate went with the hiking group, I mingled with the others and had fun talking with them, learned to throw stones and stuff, took pictures of my feet, watched Kuya Aaron take pictures of himself ahaha, pestered Kokiks while he was texting away, ate junk food etc. It was already dark when they got back, then we headed home.
( Tons of pictures here )
Thursday night was the dinner for church friends to celebrate mine and Kate's birthday. It sstarted out just fine but when they were already eating, the rain just started to pour so the waiters rushed the food inside the house, then we rearranged the tables so everyone can fit in the roofed part. The rain was depressing this time because it made everything hard for us and our visitors. I love rain but NOT during parties hello.
huhuhu we even had a gazebo
Me Kristoffer Kate
the food yumyum
church friends
Jo Kate / Kris Imman Ivan
They said it was rather an adventure, but who would want to trudge through the flood and get their things soaked? Anyway I hope it wasn't too much of a hassle for them and at least they made it home safely.
Well last Tuesday we watched The Omen at the Mall of Asia and had our phones done. The booth offers this protective covering or something for mobile phones, digital cameras, palm pilot, iPods etc. Kris and Kate had theirs covered with a semi-transparent design, while I had swarovski crystals placed at the external screen of my pink razr.
Kate's phone / Kris' phone
yay my phone
It's really nice and terribly girly, but I love it anyway ahaha. Years ago I wouldn't have thought of getting a PINK phone in the first place ahaha. Check out GMASK's website for info.
13 June 2006
8 Waves
8 Waves was tons of fun, as always. We went there Friday morning and checked in, occupying three rooms --- one room for Mama Pach, Kris and Tito Chito's family, another for Papa Al's family, and another for us. I did not swim yet again, but before you go off thinking I'm such a killjoy let me relate to you the sad sad tale of my bloated left eye. OMG it happened again, it just sort of blew up but at least now I know that I just have to put a cold compress over it or something and it'll be alright. But it's still bloody red (or pink, depending on how you look at it) and looked funny that day so I stayed at our room. Or Pancake House ahaha since it's the only one available inside the hotel. They had fun swimming and trying to drown each other, and I had fun catching up on my reading (read: geek). AHAHA.
Kate and MoiMoi / Imman and Me
Imman and his milkshake / MoiMoi and his ala mode or something ahaha
at the pool
one of the pools and the hotel
Saturday morning we checked out and rented a cottage at the more public part of the resort. We were surprised to find that the place was HUGE, I mean there was even this really big space where they had a stage, apparently for entertainment purposes. It was rather full that day since GMA Network had it's summer extravaganza or something ahaha. All their employees were there so the resort was packed. I went around, lounged at the beach chairs while watching the kidlets pushing each other into the pool, ate with Mommy and Imman, then Dad joined us and we ate again. So please don't wonder why we're a happy healthy family ahaha. I saw these wonderful fedora-style hats and I wanted to buy one but they're so expensive and I would NOT spend for something I won't be wearing much anyway. OHWELL it was fun taking pictures and walking around and eating desserts at Pancake House. The tax over there combined with the service charge nearly killed me though ahaha. I mean how much is it? EIGHTY PERCENT? Seriously though you could have another meal with the amount you pay for it.
the kidlets
mirror shots
aloha from Carl, Kate Cheena / Me Carl Kate Cheena
Anyway. We went home Saturday afternoon. Went to church Sunday and found out that they'll be going to Tagaytay on Monday, and everyone's invited to come. And we did, and my what fun we had. But that's a different story, therefore a different post. Ahaha sorry I'm dead tired but I'll post about it later and we have tons of pictures there. And yeah more pictures in 8 Waves at my multiply so juct check it out there.
There'll be dinner for our church friends and a few others this coming Thursday night so more pictures then I guess.
Kate and MoiMoi / Imman and Me
Imman and his milkshake / MoiMoi and his ala mode or something ahaha
at the pool
one of the pools and the hotel
Saturday morning we checked out and rented a cottage at the more public part of the resort. We were surprised to find that the place was HUGE, I mean there was even this really big space where they had a stage, apparently for entertainment purposes. It was rather full that day since GMA Network had it's summer extravaganza or something ahaha. All their employees were there so the resort was packed. I went around, lounged at the beach chairs while watching the kidlets pushing each other into the pool, ate with Mommy and Imman, then Dad joined us and we ate again. So please don't wonder why we're a happy healthy family ahaha. I saw these wonderful fedora-style hats and I wanted to buy one but they're so expensive and I would NOT spend for something I won't be wearing much anyway. OHWELL it was fun taking pictures and walking around and eating desserts at Pancake House. The tax over there combined with the service charge nearly killed me though ahaha. I mean how much is it? EIGHTY PERCENT? Seriously though you could have another meal with the amount you pay for it.
the kidlets
mirror shots
aloha from Carl, Kate Cheena / Me Carl Kate Cheena
Anyway. We went home Saturday afternoon. Went to church Sunday and found out that they'll be going to Tagaytay on Monday, and everyone's invited to come. And we did, and my what fun we had. But that's a different story, therefore a different post. Ahaha sorry I'm dead tired but I'll post about it later and we have tons of pictures there. And yeah more pictures in 8 Waves at my multiply so juct check it out there.
There'll be dinner for our church friends and a few others this coming Thursday night so more pictures then I guess.
07 June 2006
cheesy movies and cheesier actors
It's so sad that Kristoffer has to be gone for like two days to stay at Tito Chito's place with Mama Pach. Yeah I know it's not long but we will miss teasing him and staying up late and his awesome submarine sandwich. OHWELL he will be back Friday hopefully because the plan to go back to 8 Waves Resort will push thru.
We watched Close to You (on video) last night, the movie with John Lloyd and Bea and that schmuck Sam Milby. I know tons will hate me for saying this, but I really do not like him nor do I think he's adorable in any way. At all. I don't know, there's something that's off with the way he always flashes his toothy grin. Or maybe how he thinks girls will most definitely swoon when he smiles. Well okay maybe the last one's true but count me out ahaha.
So yeah back to the movie. I AM MOST DEFINITELY BADUY but. I KID YOU NOT. I actually liked it ahaha. I think they patterned it after Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. Kate was rooting for Sam Milby on the movie, but I was rooting for John Llloyd and I was not being biased. Nonono I do NOT by any chance fancy John Lloyd, but I can't stand Milby's overall cheesiness. And anyway I always go for the good guys, the neglected bestfriends and such ahaha. In Tad Hamilton I liked Topher Grace, see? And with good reason, because hello! Josh Duhamel's girlfriend is Fergie. Told ya.
Belated Happy Birthday AteRon! I miss them all so much, they even called on my birthday and you know how it is, one thing led to another and before we knew it I related to her everything that happened in a span of, say, a year, including my own chismis ahaha. You have got to take a vacation here next year for Kate's 18th! SO FUN.
Notice my new/old layout. It was the same one I used then and I used it again because the most recent one is acting up and I can't fix it ahaha. Anyway I like it naman and it's girly so we'll give it a go.
EDIT:
Yay we're going to 8 Waves tomorrow. We'd definitely take pictures this time--- the last time we went, we were too busy shuffling back and forth to different places (although we were staying there) to snap photos. It's nice there too, and they have excellent service.
We watched MI:3 today, this time at the movies ahaha. We were contemplating whether it'll be Tom Cruise or the movie Manay Po hahaha. I heard it's funny and well Polo Ravales is there. Oh but yeah lest we forget he's presko pala. Whateverrr.
Okay off to pack. Oh and bid adieu to bad skin ahaha. Seriously though my skin is starting to clear up thanks to Shu Uemura cleansing water. I didn't even get to finish the skin care set/kit I bought at VMV because I wanted to try this and so far I'm thinking it's a good choice.
And hey friends Kate has a new phone. She left her last one in the cab when we went to Greenhills so Mommy and Daddy bought her a new one as a birthday gift. God I hope she doesn't lose this because if she does, it's the FOURTH one and she may never have another ahaha. So don't send messages or anything on her previous number, ask her or me or whateverr if you guys still don't know her new one.
OMG OMG OMG. Right this very moment I received a text message from someone really really wonderful and it's so. OMG like my week is complete and off I'll go happy ahahahaha. How I love cellphones because people from, say, AFAR, could contact you just like that. I know this is vague but who says I write all the REALLY IMPORTANT details here? ahaha. Like when it's something about this I go straight to Kate and ring up AteRon for some serious chatting. Because I must admit, I still tell them everything regardless of the distance.
You read this AteRon? Time to go online. Heehee.
We watched Close to You (on video) last night, the movie with John Lloyd and Bea and that schmuck Sam Milby. I know tons will hate me for saying this, but I really do not like him nor do I think he's adorable in any way. At all. I don't know, there's something that's off with the way he always flashes his toothy grin. Or maybe how he thinks girls will most definitely swoon when he smiles. Well okay maybe the last one's true but count me out ahaha.
So yeah back to the movie. I AM MOST DEFINITELY BADUY but. I KID YOU NOT. I actually liked it ahaha. I think they patterned it after Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. Kate was rooting for Sam Milby on the movie, but I was rooting for John Llloyd and I was not being biased. Nonono I do NOT by any chance fancy John Lloyd, but I can't stand Milby's overall cheesiness. And anyway I always go for the good guys, the neglected bestfriends and such ahaha. In Tad Hamilton I liked Topher Grace, see? And with good reason, because hello! Josh Duhamel's girlfriend is Fergie. Told ya.
Belated Happy Birthday AteRon! I miss them all so much, they even called on my birthday and you know how it is, one thing led to another and before we knew it I related to her everything that happened in a span of, say, a year, including my own chismis ahaha. You have got to take a vacation here next year for Kate's 18th! SO FUN.
Notice my new/old layout. It was the same one I used then and I used it again because the most recent one is acting up and I can't fix it ahaha. Anyway I like it naman and it's girly so we'll give it a go.
EDIT:
Yay we're going to 8 Waves tomorrow. We'd definitely take pictures this time--- the last time we went, we were too busy shuffling back and forth to different places (although we were staying there) to snap photos. It's nice there too, and they have excellent service.
We watched MI:3 today, this time at the movies ahaha. We were contemplating whether it'll be Tom Cruise or the movie Manay Po hahaha. I heard it's funny and well Polo Ravales is there. Oh but yeah lest we forget he's presko pala. Whateverrr.
Okay off to pack. Oh and bid adieu to bad skin ahaha. Seriously though my skin is starting to clear up thanks to Shu Uemura cleansing water. I didn't even get to finish the skin care set/kit I bought at VMV because I wanted to try this and so far I'm thinking it's a good choice.
And hey friends Kate has a new phone. She left her last one in the cab when we went to Greenhills so Mommy and Daddy bought her a new one as a birthday gift. God I hope she doesn't lose this because if she does, it's the FOURTH one and she may never have another ahaha. So don't send messages or anything on her previous number, ask her or me or whateverr if you guys still don't know her new one.
OMG OMG OMG. Right this very moment I received a text message from someone really really wonderful and it's so. OMG like my week is complete and off I'll go happy ahahahaha. How I love cellphones because people from, say, AFAR, could contact you just like that. I know this is vague but who says I write all the REALLY IMPORTANT details here? ahaha. Like when it's something about this I go straight to Kate and ring up AteRon for some serious chatting. Because I must admit, I still tell them everything regardless of the distance.
You read this AteRon? Time to go online. Heehee.
03 June 2006
june means birthdays galore and i don't believe ladytron
Warmest greetings to everyone who celebrated/will celebrate their birthday this June --- Me last June 1st ahaha, Tatang my dearest lolo, AteRon and Jeremy on June 2nd, then Yen on the 19th, Kate on the 22nd, AteRi and Kokiks on the 23rd. Whew.
I'm going to write a comprehensive post or something next time because this is long overdue and I just want to greet everyone. Sometimes I can't figure out why I don't have the time when all we really do is go out, but you know how it goes if you've got balikbayans. AND we're making the most out of their stay, I mean come on we haven't seen Kristoffer in like 13 years and all we've got now is one lousy month or so ahaha.
So okay I said I don't believe Ladytron. Their song Seventeen says "They only want you when you're seventeen, when you're twenty-one, you're no fun..." BLOODY NO.
Anyway last Thursday, my birthday, we had a huge celebration for: yeah my birthday, Tatang's birthday, and Papa Noel and Tatang's despedida. We were supposed to invite our other friends and churchmates but the relatives alone occupied the entire place. And STILL there were not enough seats and tables. So we only got to invite a few. And Jordan wasn't able to go, so I guess I'll just see him next time he comes to Manila.
We prepared a presentation showing snippets of Tatang's life, plus loads of pictures. We even got pphotos of him and Ima when they were newly married, bellbottoms and all. I miss him already, and Papa Noel too. After dinner, Papa Noel, Dad, Papa Al, Tito Jingle, Tito Lito, and other uncles gathered around and played the songs they used to sing.
When I saw them, I remembered Dad's stories of him and Papa Noel playing the guitar and singing all night long in their room. I saw the two of them together, the best of friends, enjoying each other's company. And it made me sad --- sometimes it's just so unfair that we have to be apart from people we love, that your time together has to be cut short.
When we brought Tatang and Papa Noel to the airport last Saturday, I knew I was going to cry. I'm not one to easily burst into tears, it takes much more than some unfortunate events to make me cry. It always has something to do with people leaving, or misunderstandings. And it's always about people I love, and I guess that's how it is for everyone. You just can't be bothered to shed tears for someone you don't care about. And you know what, it was the saddest thing to see my Dad and Papa Noel hugging each other and saying goodbye because ultimately, it reminds me of Kate and I. Dad always says we remind him of the two of them because we're really close, and he keeps on reminding us that we have to realize we're not going to be together forever. It's crazy to think about it as early as now but things are slowly changing and our decisions are majorly affected by our desire to always be together.
And to see Tatang in tears too was almost unbearable, with Imman clinging to him sobbing so hard. There is truth in the movie "Love Actually", that airports are the happiest and saddest places in the world. I keep reminding myself that if ever I feel they're too far away, I just have to think that they're just 16hours away, therefore not very very far. But then you can't deny the difference, because I'm highly sentimental --- no more Tatang and Papa Noel in the house. You know, the simple joys of greeting them in the morning while they're having breakfast, or simply knowing they're around. At least we still have Ima, Kristoffer and Mama Pach here, although they'd be leaving too.
There should be no goodbyes. It's the saddest thing in the world. But then again, otherwise we would not realize just how important some people are. So please make sure that people you care about know that you love them.
I don't know if I'm spewing forth drama because of my birthday because it happens to me all the time, I get so philosophical or sentimental or both when June comes around. But I guess I miss Tatang and Papa Noel. God, our family was the happiest in the world this May, when we were all together.
I'm going to write a comprehensive post or something next time because this is long overdue and I just want to greet everyone. Sometimes I can't figure out why I don't have the time when all we really do is go out, but you know how it goes if you've got balikbayans. AND we're making the most out of their stay, I mean come on we haven't seen Kristoffer in like 13 years and all we've got now is one lousy month or so ahaha.
So okay I said I don't believe Ladytron. Their song Seventeen says "They only want you when you're seventeen, when you're twenty-one, you're no fun..." BLOODY NO.
Anyway last Thursday, my birthday, we had a huge celebration for: yeah my birthday, Tatang's birthday, and Papa Noel and Tatang's despedida. We were supposed to invite our other friends and churchmates but the relatives alone occupied the entire place. And STILL there were not enough seats and tables. So we only got to invite a few. And Jordan wasn't able to go, so I guess I'll just see him next time he comes to Manila.
We prepared a presentation showing snippets of Tatang's life, plus loads of pictures. We even got pphotos of him and Ima when they were newly married, bellbottoms and all. I miss him already, and Papa Noel too. After dinner, Papa Noel, Dad, Papa Al, Tito Jingle, Tito Lito, and other uncles gathered around and played the songs they used to sing.
When I saw them, I remembered Dad's stories of him and Papa Noel playing the guitar and singing all night long in their room. I saw the two of them together, the best of friends, enjoying each other's company. And it made me sad --- sometimes it's just so unfair that we have to be apart from people we love, that your time together has to be cut short.
When we brought Tatang and Papa Noel to the airport last Saturday, I knew I was going to cry. I'm not one to easily burst into tears, it takes much more than some unfortunate events to make me cry. It always has something to do with people leaving, or misunderstandings. And it's always about people I love, and I guess that's how it is for everyone. You just can't be bothered to shed tears for someone you don't care about. And you know what, it was the saddest thing to see my Dad and Papa Noel hugging each other and saying goodbye because ultimately, it reminds me of Kate and I. Dad always says we remind him of the two of them because we're really close, and he keeps on reminding us that we have to realize we're not going to be together forever. It's crazy to think about it as early as now but things are slowly changing and our decisions are majorly affected by our desire to always be together.
And to see Tatang in tears too was almost unbearable, with Imman clinging to him sobbing so hard. There is truth in the movie "Love Actually", that airports are the happiest and saddest places in the world. I keep reminding myself that if ever I feel they're too far away, I just have to think that they're just 16hours away, therefore not very very far. But then you can't deny the difference, because I'm highly sentimental --- no more Tatang and Papa Noel in the house. You know, the simple joys of greeting them in the morning while they're having breakfast, or simply knowing they're around. At least we still have Ima, Kristoffer and Mama Pach here, although they'd be leaving too.
There should be no goodbyes. It's the saddest thing in the world. But then again, otherwise we would not realize just how important some people are. So please make sure that people you care about know that you love them.
I don't know if I'm spewing forth drama because of my birthday because it happens to me all the time, I get so philosophical or sentimental or both when June comes around. But I guess I miss Tatang and Papa Noel. God, our family was the happiest in the world this May, when we were all together.